


I don't want to admit it

by Peachpancake



Series: Captain Chan [4]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anyway just remember Chan deserves the world, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Good Hyung, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Bang Chan-centric, ChanLix, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minho is worried okay, Sad Bang Chan, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), The chanlix can be seen both as platonic or as romantic, This is kind of just how i feel about some vlives as well?, and he doesnt realise that hes sad, and he loves stray kids so much, and i don't know how chan feels, and we gotta remember that being so happy all the time takes a lot out of you, and we need to remind him that he is amazing, bang chan best leader, basically chan is a big dumb, because he is, but hes a sweetheart, but hes sad, but what i do know is that he always makes sure to smile for us, he and felix make sure chan is okay, he is whipped for stray kids, hurt bang chan, like obviously a lot of this is over the top, minchan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27671350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachpancake/pseuds/Peachpancake
Summary: “It was fun,” Felix plops down next to Chan. “Minho ended practice early though. He might come around later.”“Oh, how come?” Chan asks as he starts to open the food.“He was worried about you.”There it is - that same strange tilt to Felix’s voice.“Why?” Chan furrows his eyebrows. He tries to think back to today, to see if he’s done anything out of the ordinary, but he can’t pick out anything. Surely this isn’t about breakfast? He doubts that would have caused this much worry.“Well,” Felix seems a bit nervous now, as he leans forward, helping Chan with getting out the dishes from the bag, “To be honest, we’ve been watching your vlive.”“Oh,” Chan tilts his head to the side, not sure what to say.“Yeah.”Felix isn’t looking at him.*Sometimes Chan forgets that he's allowed to be sad too. Felix and Minho are worried.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: Captain Chan [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1182191
Comments: 8
Kudos: 246





	I don't want to admit it

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!!
> 
> To be honest, I'm not really sure how I feel about this work. I rewrote it so many times, but I was never satisfied - I think I'm out of practice a little bit, and writing doesn't come naturally to me anyway. But, I wanted to start posting again, so here it is!! I hope you guys enjoy it :))

Chan wakes up feeling like there’s something pulling him downwards. 

There’s a frown on his face as he opens his eyes, his hands subconsciously rubbing his chest to get rid of the strange hollowness around his heart area. He’s not sure why he’s feeling this way - if he’s had a nightmare, he doesn’t remember it - but it makes it harder for him to get out of bed and face his responsibilities. 

He’s in the dorms, lying in his bed as he hears a couple of footsteps out in the hallway. The rest of the members have probably already woken up, getting ready for another day full of promotions. Chan knows he should join them, he can feel the anxiety creeping up on him urging him to get up and be productive, but there’s something keeping him down.

Perhaps it’s the part of him that just never wants to wake up again. 

Ultimately, after tensing every time someone’s passed his door thinking they’ll come in and try and get him out of bed, he decides it’s just better to get ready instead of wasting time. He goes through his morning routine feeling the dread creeping up on him more and more, until he’s standing at his door leaning his head against it while trying to control his breathing. 

He’s already struggling and he hasn’t even started the day. 

_You can’t ruin everyone’s mood just because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed_ , he scolds himself. _It’s gonna be a long day, whining about it won’t help._

So, with a sigh, he opens the door and joins the others in the kitchen, hoping no one will notice how out of breath he is. 

“Good morning!” He greets Jeongin with a smile as the younger grumbles about early starts while pouring himself a bowl of cereal. 

“Good morning, hyung,” Jeongin murmurs back, headbutting Chan’s side like he’s some kind of a _goat_ as the older man walks past him to prepare some food. Chan chuckles fondly, petting Jeongin’s hair before turning to Felix who’s falling asleep against the counter. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asks quietly, pulling him into a back hug. Felix nods slowly, still not opening his eyes, so Chan takes the liberty to prepare Felix’s breakfast for him. He can see the younger boy has got the ingredients out for pancakes, but he hasn’t started making the batter yet. “You can sleep in the car, Lix, but you gotta eat something before we go.”

As he gets Felix seated, the feeling of dread creeps back up, but Chan just rubs his neck to focus on something else, and turns back to making food. He can feel eyes on his back, but he shrugs it off - Jeongin is too occupied with complaining to Felix, and Felix is still struggling to open his eyes. 

He’s probably just being paranoid.

Soon enough, the rest of the members flood in the kitchen in various states of alertness - Jisung seems to be bouncing with energy while Hyunjin is falling asleep on Seungmin’s shoulders. Jeongin is more awake now, teasing Minho as the older’s fretting over Felix’s messy hair. 

Chan can’t help but smile, seeing the domestic scene in front of him. He will never understand how he got so lucky - to be surrounded by so many genuinely _good_ people. Of course, it’s their talent that brought all of them together, but Chan can’t help but think that the reason they’re doing so well at the moment is because they all just _love_ each other. 

Sure, that love is sometimes expressed in bickering or play-fighting, but it is love none the less. Not everyone is like Chan, freely going around and hugging people to death, telling everyone how much he appreciates them and that’s okay. Minho shows his love through his thoughtfulness - always remembering to take care of everyone and making sure they’re healthy and okay. Changbin lets everyone bully him, but always makes sure everyone’s okay after a fight. The youngest members go to him the most for help when they’re struggling, and despite all the teasing, Changbin is like a rock. You can always rely on him. 

Hyunjin and Jisung used to hate each other, and yet now they’re one of the closest friends in Stray Kids. Chan loves to see them play around, because he knows they both learnt to appreciate each other and understand what the other went through. Something like that takes a lot of effort, and Chan couldn’t be prouder that they’ve got over their differences. 

The two maknaes just bring a smile to everyone’s faces, no matter what. They’re the most savage, often starting the play fights by bullying some of the older members, but everyone lets them get away with it and Chan wouldn’t want it any other way. He often wants to pull them in a hug and tell them how he wishes they would never be sad again, but those two like skinship the least, and though Chan amps it up for the cameras, he respects their boundaries. 

He just makes sure he shows them his love in other ways, like telling everyone else how amazing they are. 

And of course, Felix. 

Chan knows his appreciation for the other Australian boy has only grown since debut. Especially since last year was incredibly tough on them, Chan has focused more on letting every single one of his members know that even if things go wrong, he’s there and he supports them. He’s become paranoid that he’ll lose them, and the person that helped him through that was Felix. 

He’s not sure if Felix really even knew how much he was helping. The younger boy came by the studios every once in a while bringing him snacks and food, sometimes staying for a bit to distract Chan from work so he takes a bit of a break. All of the members noticed that Chan was overworking himself to the point of it being unhealthy on another level, but Felix was the one who was just there almost everyday, making sure to stop and say hi to Chan and asking him about how everything was going. It made Chan feel like Felix would stay forever - that he wouldn’t leave him. 

That’s exactly what he needed. 

He blinks, shaking himself out of his memories as he focuses back on the food.

Soon enough, the pancakes are done - Minho helps him place the plates on the table as Chan makes sure everyone gets enough food in their system. By keeping himself busy, he feels less anxious as he can focus on something else. It’s still there though, in the form of Chan rubbing his hands together when there’s nothing in his hands, or squeezing the counter he’s leaning on when there’s a loud noise that makes his anxiety spike up.

“Thanks for making food, hyung,” Jisung throws himself on Chan with a lazy smile. If Chan wouldn’t be holding Jisung by the waist, he’s pretty sure the younger would have just fallen on the floor. 

“I don’t mind making breakfast for you guys,” Chan smiles sweetly. “Stray kids with a full stomach in the morning are a lot less bratty throughout the day,” he adds teasingly, laughing as Jisung swats at him lightly. 

“Have you eaten yet?” He asks once he’s tucked himself back into Chan’s arms yet again. before he can answer, Jeongin butts in.

“No he hasn’t,” he says with his hands on his hips. “I’ve been watching him, he was too busy making pancakes for all of us.”

“Hyung,” Jisung frowns, turning back to Chan who tugs on his ears in embarrassment. 

“I’m just about to eat some,” he says quickly, even though that was not his intention at all. He has no appetite at the moment, and the thought of food makes his stomach churn. He can’t have the rest of the members worry about him though, so under Jisung’s and Jeongin’s watchful eyes, he forces himself to eat. He tries to be as convincing as he can, but he knows that on a normal day he would be the one eating the most, and the rest of the kids are also aware of that. He just hopes they won’t overthink it. 

Once he’s finished, Minho starts to push them out the door so they’re not late. He places a hand on Chan’s back as they’re the last two out, and there’s a sudden urge for Chan to just lean into the touch and hide away from everything. As soon as the thought comes, he chases it away, forcing a smile on his face as he joins in with the bickering between the maknaes. 

He doesn’t notice Minho’s eyes following him with a frown on his face.

*

He realises he’s not as skilled as hiding that something is wrong when he’s doing his weekly vlive. He tries really hard to smile as much as he can, to play happier songs and talk to stays, but then the comments start appearing. 

_Are you okay, Chan?_

_He seems sad today, do you think something happened?_

_You look tired…_

_What’s wrong?_

He’s not sure what he’s doing that makes stay’s think he’s feeling down. He’s trying so hard to make sure they’re having a good time, but somehow he’s not doing _enough_. It’s the final straw - his smile slowly disappears as more and more comments pointed out his strange mood, so he forces a grin on his face and says goodbye early. He makes sure to give them their usual hug before turning the vlive off, and then he drops his head in his hands. 

_What the hell is wrong with him?_

He doesn’t understand why he feels like nothing is going to be okay again. There’s a voice whispering in the back of his head, telling him that he’s not trying hard enough to be happy, to enjoy life, that he’s ruined everyone’s day and made stays worried about him when there’s _nothing_ to be sad about anyway - 

By this point, Chan has realised that he’s spiralling. 

The logical part of his brain knows that he’s not feeling upset for no reason - the last few comebacks were intense. It took a lot out of him physically and emotionally, and he knew that sooner or later he’s going to have a burnout. But another part of him thinks that he hasn’t tried hard enough, that there’s no reason to feel like this when things have been going so well, that he’s just _throwing a tantrum and he’s being selfish -_

The door to his studio hesitantly opens. 

Chan lifts his head, blinking at Felix, who’s standing there, holding a bag of takeout in his hands. He gives Chan a tentative smile, and shuffles closer, dropping the food on the table. 

“Hi, hyung,” he says quietly. 

“Hi, Felix,” Chan brightens, physically straightening himself up. The last thing he wants to do is to make Felix feel bad when he went out of his way to bring him food. 

“I thought we could have dinner together,” Felix says with a strange tilt to his voice that Chan doesn’t recognise. He searches the younger’s eyes, worry washing over him as he wonders if Felix is okay. Did he not realise it because he was too caught up in himself? He gulps, fighting down the sudden surge of guilt.

“Sure! I’d love that,” Chan smiles, pulling one of the armchairs to the table so Felix can sit down. “How was dance practice with Minho?” 

“It was fun,” Felix plops down next to Chan. “Minho ended practice early though. He might come around later.”

“Oh, how come?” Chan asks as he starts to open the food. 

“He was worried about you.”

There it is - that same strange _tilt_ to Felix’s voice. 

“Why?” Chan furrows his eyebrows. He tries to think back to today, to see if he’s done anything out of the ordinary, but he can’t pick out anything. Surely this isn’t about breakfast? He doubts that would have caused this much worry.

“Well,” Felix seems a bit nervous now, as he leans forward, helping Chan with getting out the dishes from the bag, “To be honest, we’ve been watching your vlive.”

“Oh,” Chan tilts his head to the side, not sure what to say. 

“Yeah.” 

Felix isn’t looking at him. 

“Is it because of what stays were saying?” Chan asks hesitantly. “You know they get worried about us no matter what. They’re scared we’re overworking ourselves.”

“I know,” Felix murmurs. “But stays are very good at knowing when we feel sad.”

“Sad?” Chan frowns. “I’m not sad though.”

Felix only looks at him, and Chan can see the worry now, but he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. 

“Chan hyung,” Felix says slowly, gently, as he takes a hold of the olders hands. “You don’t always have to be happy. You don’t have to force it when you’re not feeling okay.”

Chan blinks back at him, at loss of words. 

_Ah._

Maybe that’s why he was feeling off today. 

“You’re a naturally cheery person, and we all love that, hyung,” Felix continues. “You always make sure that everyone’s alright and that we feel good about ourselves. It’s in your nature to do that.” He plays with Chan’s hands, ignoring the food that’s getting colder and colder by the minute. “But no one can keep that up 24/7. You’ll waste yourself away if you only care about making other people happy and don’t allow yourself to take time off.”

 _I’m not worth the time_ , Chan wants to say immediately, only to backpedal and gape at what he just thought. 

“Everyone shows their struggles differently,” Felix says softly. “Some people get more quiet, some people get snappy, some get upset over minor things because they can’t express their sadness for their actual problems.” He squeezes Chan’s hands. “But you just try and push through it. You try and pretend like there’s nothing wrong.”

“Felix…” Chan gulps when he realises how _vulnerable_ his voice sounds. 

“It’s _okay_ to say that you need a day to just take a break. We can cuddle you when we get home, watch a film and just forget about all the stuff we have to do,” there’s a glint in Felix’s eyes as he tries to tell Chan all the things they could do to make him feel better, and the hopefulness of his voice makes the older tear up. “You don’t have to talk about things, but we would be so happy to hold you when you’re feeling down, to help you when you’re struggling because you look so _lonely_ when you do and we just want you to feel that you’re loved and supported.” 

Chan can’t will himself to say anything as he stares at the younger. He’s not sure _how_ Felix has picked up on all of this when he himself hasn’t, but his heart feels so warm, and although the feeling of dread is still there, Chan feels like he can get rid of it this time. The tears roll down on his cheek as he silently pulls Felix into a hug, tucking his head in the younger’s shoulders. 

“Thank you,” he whispers silently. 

“Oh, hyung,” Felix whispers, squeezing him closer. He pets the older’s hair as Chan’s trying to get his bearings, and Chan could stay like this forever.

“To be honest,” Chan murmurs, “I haven’t… I didn’t realise how bad things were getting.” He sniffles, worried that he’ll get snot all over Felix’s hoodie, so he tries to pull away but Felix’s not letting go. “I guess… Until you pointed it out, I thought I was being unreasonable.” He pauses. “I still do.”

“Hyung,” Felix starts, and he sounds like he’s in pain. Chan’s protective instincts kick in, and he tightens his hold on the younger. “I don’t think you realise, but sometimes you say things that just make us worried. Like that you’d die for us… that you don’t know where you’d be without us.”

Chan doesn’t know what’s wrong with that - it’s true after all. 

“You put us before you and as much as we appreciate how much you care for us, I’m just really fucking worried that you won’t take care of yourself.”

“I do,” Chan protests weakly. “I go to bed earlier, I eat more…”

“You’re doing that so we don’t worry,” Felix answers. “You’re doing that for us, not for yourself. I’ve noticed you stay up on some nights, even if you’re lying in your bed. I know it’s not on purpose, insomnia doesn’t work like that - but you’re trying to make us believe you’re okay and I’m starting to believe you’re tricking yourself too.”

There is a part of Chan that wants to argue back - that wants to say he knows himself better - but he knows Felix has a point. 

But Chan doesn’t know how to _not_ do everything for his members. 

Perhaps this is what he needed to finally allow him to feel upset. Without his consent, tears start flowing down on his face and suddenly he can’t seem to catch his breath. 

“Chan…?” Felix’s alarmed voice just makes him sob harder. He clutches onto Felix’s hoodie like his life depends on it, desperately trying to hold onto something that grounds him. 

“I just don’t know what to do,” he hiccups. “It feels like no matter how hard I try to stay positive, I just feel so _sad_ sometimes.” He sniffs. “I try to work as hard as I can but it’s _never_ good enough, because there’s always more things to do, more people to impress, and I just can’t keep up and it feels like the world is leaving me behind because I simply just can’t be _enough_.”

“You’re enough,” Felix says right away. He runs his fingers through Chan’s hair and Chan just _melts_ into the touch. “You are enough. Your emotions, your work, they don’t determine how important you are. You are enough even if you’re sad all the time, hyung.” The younger’s voice is strong, deep, and he sounds _determined._ “We love you, and we think you’re enough even when you don’t smile in the morning. Even if you don’t want to be around us because everything is too much. Just like Jisung is enough when he’s overwhelmed. Just like all of us are. And you always remind us of that, always making sure that we know that we’re important, so please apply that to yourself too.”

Chan sniffles. 

“Sometimes I forget that you need to hear things like this too,” Felix admits quietly. “You’re always the one talking about these things openly - and though some of us might act like we hate it, it’s really heartwarming especially when we’re struggling.” He sighs. “I forget that since you’re the one who expresses their love like this while the rest of us do it in more subtle ways, no one tells you stuff like this regularly. It’s a normal in our lives to be reminded how much we’re loved, and I know you know we love you but it’s good to hear it out loud sometimes.” 

“Jesus, Felix,” Chan breathes. “Since when are you so wise?”

“Shut up, hyung,” Felix blushes, giggling quietly as he pulls back from the hug. His smile drops a bit as he sees Chan’s red eyes, but he just wipes the tears away with his sweater paws and looks at him with warm eyes. 

“Thank you, Lix,” Chan murmurs, a bit embarrassed now. He didn’t think he was going to cry today. “I...I’m just really thankful that you’re in my life.”

“I’m really thankful you’re in my life too, hyung,” Felix smiles gently. 

“Should have known I would walk in on you to being sappy again,” they hear a voice from the door. 

When Chan looks up, he sees Minho leaning against a door with a teasing grin. The younger’s eyes stop on his face though, and the smile drops. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” He asks quickly. He walks closer, hesitantly stopping behind Felix’s chair. 

“Yeah, don’t worry Minho,” Chan says with a smile, but then he makes eye-contact with Felix who’s giving him a pointed glare. “I’m just… I just woke up feeling off. I think I got a bit overwhelmed,” he admits quietly. 

Minho’s eyebrows raise in surprise, but then he steps closer to Chan and crouches down in front of him. 

“I was worried about you today,” he says seriously. Chan holds back the urge to apologise. “You barely ate this morning, and you fidgeted like Jisung fidgets when he’s feeling anxious. You sometimes do that, but today it was just a bit more extreme than on other days.”

“Oh,” Chan says, dumbly. He’s not sure what to say.

“What I mean is,” Minho continues, “that if you feel like that, you don’t have to say out loud that you’re feeling off, or upset, you know? We can make up a sign, or you can even just ask me to help you out. You don’t have to bear the burden alone, let me help.”

“Oh,” Chan says yet again, because he’s at loss for words.

“We just want to make sure you feel comfortable, hyung,” Felix adds. He’s holding one of Chan’s hands. “We’re not asking you to share stuff you’re not uncomfortable with, we’re just asking you to put your trust in us and let us help you when you’re struggling.”

Chan nods slowly. 

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, okay.”

He can’t help but be amazed by how much the other two have grown up. The way they hold themselves, so determined to let Chan know they can help him and support him - it hurts his chest in a good way. 

They’re _his_ members. 

And he couldn’t be prouder. 

“Now that we’ve talked about this,” Minho stands up with a groan. “I am hungry and you guys have wasted the perfect take-out I spent my precious money on.” 

“Whoops,” Felix says with no guilt whatsoever. Chan giggles. 

“Therefore, I suggest the three of us go and get food, because you, Mr Bang, need to get some nutrients in you. Am I understood?” Minho puts his hands on his hips. 

“Yes, sir,” Felix and Chan murmurs, grinning at each other. 

And as the three walk out from Chan’s studio, Minho and Felix both link arms with Chan. He pulls them closer with the biggest grin on his face, adding a bit of a skip to his steps. 

Yeah, maybe he feels sad sometimes. 

But his members will love him anyway. 

*


End file.
